Sometimes you consciously think of a blog post before you write it. Sometimes you just feel like you can’t sleep – can’t get comfortable – can’t even stop swiping the tiny-gnat-thoughts buzzing around your head and digging into your brain just aching to jump out from your fingers to the letters on the keypad to the virtual notebook (also known as your heart raw and open for the world to see) that you call your blog.

To say my blog posts are sporadic is an understatement.

Those who know me well know that I rarely hold back when I feel like I have to say something. Like REALLY have to say something. And it’s taken six months for me to say something, but it’s weighing so heavily on my mind right now that I am awake at 3:42 typing away. EARLY early morning is the diuretic for my mind. Seriously. I was sitting there washing pots and pans when it came back to me for the hundredth time since it was said to me over the summer by a former classmate.

“You have so much self confidence, Stephanie”

{silence}

I had no idea how to respond, so I chose not to. Instead, I sucked it into my head and there it has sat until now.

I have tried to measure this on the scale of meaning in my head since she said it. I have thought about her sentence. I have picked apart each word. I have imagined again and again the look on her face in the darkened room over dessert that night. I have tilted my head to the side almost trying to hear it in my head more clearly, the tone and intention in her voice still nagging at me.

What exactly was that supposed to mean?

When someone says “You have so much self confidence”, how do you respond?

Thank you? Not really. I mean, it’s almost an insult, right? “Congratulations on thinking so highly of yourself, you egotistical so-and-so”. Or is it a compliment? Did it come from someone who wished they had more self confidence? In this case it came from a tall, athletic (and well-loved-by-her-peers) blond girl who looks EXACTLY the same as she looked in high school. Not usually the type of person who would be congratulating someone who looks like me for having self-confidence they might personally lack and wistfully wish they had. So, I am left with taking it as any good-natured fat girl would – a slam. I mean, what else am I left with, really? I can’t assume it was genuine, right? So I have to assume it was fake. Or maybe, at best, a well intentioned comment that was probably followed up in her head with “…for someone who looks like you”. And I know some of you will say I am being too hard on myself or that I am reading things into her words – but you know, I challenge you with the fact that when you look like I do and have to work harder than the next girl to prove yourself on your worth alone - the compliments are actually few and far between. When you get one, you cherish it – or you chew on it. And I have felt from the start that this was more gristle than glowing.

So I have chewed on it for six months and it’s finally fallen apart in my mouth, trickled down through my fingers and into a blog post.

Self confidence. When did it become a bad thing? The answer is, it’s really not. Having self confidence is something I struggled with so desperately growing up. I went to Bible studies and small groups and talked with friends and attended retreats all throughout my teens and early twenties – each one pushing women to have MORE self confidence. I believed what they said. I followed along in books that let me fill in blanks about how God wanted me to love myself and I sang songs sung by songstresses who came from a positive female focus standpoint. I wrote myself notes on little 3 x 5 cards telling myself each day things I loved about myself. I came to a place where I was healthy and emotionally in love with who I am. It has been easier with age. I look in a mirror and I see faults – and I am reminded by people all the time how I am not society’s norm of beautiful and brilliant. I do not put on rose colored glasses. I look at myself honestly and I see so many things more than a flabby almost-40-year old woman. I see a survivor. I see someone hurt who has lived to also be happy. I see a champion of equal rights for all. I see a woman who volunteers when she has time. I see someone who has hobbies and is not afraid to indulge in them. I see someone learning to take time to selfishly get a massage now and then. I look closer and I see some white hairs in the sea of dark brown. I see someone who is SO proud to have loving, caring and amazingly supportive friends and family. I see someone who has succeeded at several different careers in her life. I see someone who has come a long way from being a poor little girl everyone picked on. So everyone's mad plan worked - the studies, the workbooks, the little cards - it all worked - I mean, when I look in the mirror, I see someone who loves and embraces who she is...I see ME.

And again, isn't this what everyone is supposed to want? What we’re all supposed to hope for? Inner joy with one’s self? Happiness with who you are? Growing as a person enough to look past your own flaws to also see that there is no one else exactly like you on this planet and there is SO MUCH you can do with your own two hands that you should never second-guess the fact that as one voice, one heart and two hands you can change the world?! How incredibly special that you and you alone are? How you look is nothing more than a really good foot in a door of opportunity?

It’s what you do with the rest of your body once you’re through the door and faced head on with the opportunity that REALLY matters.

Self confidence is loving and believing in your own worth. Being content with who you are and being PROUD enough to walk with your head held high.

This classmate hadn't had a conversation with me in twenty years. The words she shared with me that night will stay with me for a long time - maybe until the next reunion. And now that I have spit out the gristle I've been chewing on, I feel better. It usually takes a great deal of thought to come to a revelation. I guess my revelation is less of a revelation and more of a recognition that however this person meant her words to sound, they did stay with me for a reason. Maybe a little tug at my self-awareness? I mean, I don’t ever want to come across as someone who is cocky or self-obsessed – that would be my worst nightmare. There’s nothing more dreadful than a human being who has decided they are above someone else. And I’m not talking about the feeling you get when you watch “Hoarders” – I am talking about the thought that because you look a certain way or you have more money or material things surrounding you that you are somehow above most other denizens of this planet. I would never EVER want to be that person.

So, with that, I think I have decided that I’m finally moving on from the moment. My only wish is that I could go back to that table, raise my glass and toast her with a smile and thank her for the extremely thoughtful compliment. Or at the very least pop up with some sort of pithy remark. I've never been really good at coming up with those when I need them most. I guess I need a little more confidence in my comebacks.

About those things we call RESOLUTIONS

I decided that I am only going to make ONE resolution this year.

Yep. Just one. And NO it's not some actual JOKE resolution like "My resolution is to make no resolutions!" In fact, it's going to be an absolutely serious, honest, and difficult to keep resolution.

I, Stephanie Gabrielle Hyde Almeida resolve to no longer be a victim, from today forward.

I will not be a victim:

*of my circumstances
*of my decisions
*of my past
*of my present
*of my future
*of my own bad choices
*of my own habits
*of other people's perceptions of me
*of other people's needs
*of other people's bad choices
*of other people's habits
*from self judgement
*from self-doubt
*from self-pity
*from self-loathing

The word "victim" embodies everything I don't want for myself. It allows me to fall prey to a life with sacrifice - TO MYSELF - and for what? Some selfish reasoning that being a martyr or placing myself at the bottom of the heap of a pile of crap somehow gets me someplace BETTER in life? Allowing people to take advantage of me and smiling through it happens to be flattering? Like it's going to get me anywhere to suffer through sadness and hurt in the ONE LIFE I have been blessed with on this earth? Yeah. No more.

Does that mean today begins a new life as a raging bitch? No, that's not the decision I am making either. I prefer, instead, to become a Victor. In fact, you can just call me Victor from now on. :)

Webster defines a VICTOR is someone who "defeats an enemy or opponent: Winner."

Seriously? WINNER? Was the Webster dictionary written by Charlie Sheen?

This is the ONLY definition of a VICTOR. And I need a VICTORIOUS year. And you know what's really cool? The SYNONYMS of VICTOR are:

*beater
*conqueror
*master
*subduer
*trimmer
*vanquisher
*whipper
*winner

Why didn't I figure this out sooner?! I LOVE the word VANQUISHER!

I can think of a lot of things that I struggle with in my life. Most of them can be traced back to the root of the fact that I love being a victim. Somewhere along the line, someone taught me that being the person on the sidelines who watched the other people win and cheering for them somehow made ME a better person. Well, I am tired of sitting on the sidelines of my own life. Why sit by and watch everything happen when I should be in the midst of it, taking charge? I.am.a.survivor. And it's about time I started acting like one.

So, in short, I am now magically transformed from a VICTIM to a VICTOR. See there's this magical thing that happens when you start a new year, a new job, a new school and a new life - you get the chance to be a new you. And thankfully, fresh starts are things that are free to everyone, absolutely invaluable and do so much good for people's souls. If I somehow manage to screw up and find myself being a victim again - either from force of habit or from lack of better way to respond (since I am coming from a place where I don't have much practice being the VICTOR), I will of course forgive myself and remind myself to start anew. Why? Because that's what vanquishers DO.

XOXO

Stephanie, 3.0

I guess life got busy since the last time I posted here. Really busy. So busy that I can hardly think straight - and I certainly have no time for sickness or appliances giving up the ghost or *shudder* extra work...but somehow those things come regardless and I just have to "nut up, buttercup" as my co-worker Adam says whenever I complain about something trivial.

A few months ago, I stood in my church in Eagle, Idaho as my pastor prayed we would find a good home in Washington and sent us with prayers of peace and hope. When I first arrived in our new hometown, I felt a peace surround me. We were "home" - although home in the sense that I had never known before - this time, it was ME that got transferred. Me that caused the upheaval and uproar. It's been a strange feeling knowing that my short little 7 months on the job with Allstate as a Claims Adjuster could have prompted them to decide to pay our relocation costs to move to the regional offices in the Seattle area. It was just hard for me to fathom - and still is - that I won't awake in the middle of the night back home in Boise and look out the window and see the foothills I fell in love with bathed in moonlight. I still get lost every time I drive anywhere here - it's a rule of three, I generally take at LEAST three wrong turns each time I try and find my way somewhere.

But as time has elapsed since that fateful Friday, August 5th, 2011 - I have found myself realizing that those words I half-whisper, half-speak on Sundays when I actually make it to church..."thy will be done"...have such sweeping consequences. I told my dear friend Beth that I felt things were moving so quickly, I suddenly understood the feeling of being in the middle of God's work in my life. How else does one explain the immediate nature of the move, the "everything sliding into place"...including the perfect home for us being unlisted and suddenly in front of us as we turned a corner we didn't expect to take...and it being within a block of the best school district and a place so reminscint of the comforting home we were leaving behind? Not to mention the fact that the FIRST and ONLY people who looked at the house in Boise passed the background check and we were let go from our lease without a SINGLE EXTRA DAY needing to be charged to us? There's always the excuse that coincidence was involved...but I prefer not to believe in coincidences.

Since those early days, I have continued to ask myself - why. Why did this happen? Why am I here? Why did everyone else go to Portland? Why did I end up in Seattle and how on earth am I to even know how long this is for? When did I become a grown up professional? Why did we have to leave a comfort zone for the Northwest unknown? But now I know. I know as well as I know my name...as I know exactly where my husband needs his legs rubbed when he doesn't eat enough potatoes...as well as I know the outline of my little angel's face where I've given her butterfly kisses since birth. I know I am on the right path...and I never saw it coming until it was laid out in front of me.

"Life is an interesting journey...you never know where it will take you. Peaks and valleys, twists and turns. You can get the surprise of your life..."
T.I., "Live Your Life"

I never questioned whether or not I was blessed - lucky - whatever - when all of this happened. I just knew I was. I had a JOB. A well-paying job. And they were prepared to front a bunch of cash to get me where they wanted me. I just didn't understand why it happened - and maybe I still don't. But you know what? I know now - IT WAS THE RIGHT THING. It's hard to explain what switch was flipped. What led to this moment when I realized this was the right future for me?

Maybe it's been several things.

I noticed women in Washington are a different kind of strong. The kind of strong that I haven't seen anywhere else. I put any woman I have met from this state up against any man on earth. Here, I see power and strength of character in every face of every woman. There's a different reaction to those little annoying things - they're tough, mean and play dirty. They also hurt deeply but don't show it. They commit themselves fully, question no one, work impossibly hard and when the wind and rain come down upon their heads, they steady themselves and move forward. They are smart too, and they're not afraid or ashamed to show it. Overall, they work hard and have outside interests and they inspire ME to be stronger too. Which is something I can use...but to be honest, life's dealt me enough that I'm already pretty damn strong already. Maybe that's why I have come to respect them so much.

"Your Grace is wasted in your face, your boldness stands alone among the wreck"
Mumford & Sons - "Little Lion Man"


It could be that I look around and see the beauty of this place and realize what a gift it is to be able to wake up each day and live in the midst of the evergreens, the mist that rises in the morning after the rain stops, the rolling hills, the water, the mountains, the boats, the way of living and I find myself realizing that I feel like I've come to a place where my soul doesn't necessarily feel settled - but I still feel like I am content - and I am ready to explore and experience - but I'm not in any hurry because I feel like I am going to be here a long, long time. I can't wait to travel through the little islands near our home thought, and head north to Vancouver and become weathered in the way that the locals have...no umbrella - just a hoodie and a hot cup of coffee for me, thanks.

But it's a different type of self-actualization and self-assurance that comes from watching dreams come to fruition, then die, then become reborn in new and unique ways you couldn't have imagined. You find that those things you looked for "once upon a time" are no longer...and in order to keep up with the wooshing of the trees and leaves swirling around you as you stand perfectly still and see your life changing around you, you have to make new dreams happen. You have to create new ideals and design new goals for yourself and become a different version of you. Stephanie 3.0 is suddenly thrust into your face when you look bleary-eyed into the mirror in the morning.

For me, I have to give a measure of thanks to the One that brought me thus far. Not to get preachy or anything, but the sole reason I am here is through a series of fortunate events that include my husband Jeff (to whom I will forever be indebted for causing me to see a doctor soon enough to save my leg when the cancer diganosis came in 1997), my beautiful and brilliant daughter Emily (who truly is the sunshine of my life) and the plethora of supportive friends, family and even strangers that have crossed my path. I feel like today more than any other day, I know God is working in my life - moving all the while. Creating a path for me that I still can't fully see or know. He's there and He's slowly making it clear to me that no matter what I think, I am here for a reason - and it's His reason. And therefore, I have no doubt that my future is bright. And how BLESSED am I that He chose to reveal this to me in such an obvious way?

Sure, I work hard for the positive things that have happened with my job since we came to Washington. I rarely come home on time. I spend hours at home working through things in my head. I explore new ideas and research projects, offer assistance to co-workers when I am drained and barely hanging by a thread. There are days where I feel like a failure - where no matter what anyone said, I felt like I was the biggest idiot in the room because I forgot to do something right the first time - or actually screwed up and did something wrong causing a whole chain of messiness. But today, for some reason, it's clear...I'm on the right path.

How much grace does it take to sit quietly at your desk during a break from the work Christmas party and weep uncontrollably when the realization hits you that you have no friends to ask over for Christmas and your co-workers you miss so much have created new lives and are setting down new roots in their new homes. All you wish for in that instant is to be with someone who knows you. Someone who loves you. Someone who will hug you - physically touch you and carry your heart for that short moment when you needed someone else to do it, because it was just too heavy for you to lift on your own. And then you realize you have to lift your heart yourself - because there just isn't anyone there to do it for you. You have to wipe off your own sad face, swallow that indescribable hurt that comes from feeling alone. You have to go back to the party and smile as if nothing on earth could be more important than the time you're spending with people you hardly know. I barely found the grace to do it. But I did it. And in it, I found new strength.

I have been growing stronger each day. Gaining my own ground, finding my own wings. I realize that the person I am here and now is someone I have carefully shaped and molded through years of practice and experience in managing myself and others around me upwards. And I have learned that it's altogether possible that I am capable of anything. Especially when I walk the right path, keep my eye on the prize and never take anything anyone does for me for granted. Every moment, every experience, every step I have taken has led me to this point in my life. I feel so excited for my future...so excited for the rest of my life.

I am being guided in an ethereal way and I am dancing in my mind, in my heart and in my chair. I am embracing Stephanie 3.0 - and I hope my new world continues to do that too.





Hallelujah, You were moving all the while...

Recovering with GRACE from a kick to the stomach

Ever had one of those times where you were just minding your own business and someone came along and kicked you in the stomach? Not REALLY kicked you in the stomach - you just saw something or experienced something and it was akin to the feeling you would get if someone literally saw you on the ground and took their size 10 giant boot and just hauled off and WHAM. The pain almost made you sick and made you double over and clutch your abdomen and you just felt vulnerable and sad and a very "why me" feeling?

Yeah. Me too.

I've been a pretty busy person as of late. Rushing here, rushing there...trying to pass a very difficult test that makes me feel like an idiot and really the last thing I could have wanted or needed was to feel kicked in the stomach on top of it all. But of course, we can never plan for those surprise kicks. They just come out of no where anywhere. It's just not possible to prepare for them.

So the best thing to do when they happen is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and have a very serious conversation with yourself. What exactly happened? Were your defenses down? Were you right to feel kicked or are you being too sensitive?
Was there anything I could have done to prevent this kick? Should I be out for revenge? Should I just sit and pout or should I somehow find a way to prevail?

I asked Emmy how she handles this and she said "sometimes I tell myself it's going to be okay. I calm myself down sometimes because sometimes I get really angry."
She also said "When it's a person who makes me feel that way, I wish I could just say 'darn them!'"

Sometimes you don't have the luxury of letting anyone know that you're upset at the time. Sometimes you have to hold your head high and act as though nothing has happened that has hurt you. Sometimes you have to give up a feeling of anger or frustration when something happens that you had no control over and yet you feel absolutely wounded over. Those times are when absolute honesty with yourself and true strength of character come in. Those are the times where, I believe, we are given God's grace to shine and shimmer instead of lay lifeless and sullen. This is where the average girl trying to make the most of her life becomes a rock star.

How many of you are emotional rock stars? It's not something that they give awards out for, unfortunately. Emotional Rock Stars are never fully appreciated for their strength, but having the ability to morph into one when it matters the most cannot be over-appreciated.

So the next time you feel kicked and badly beaten - especially over something you didn't even see coming - just know that there are a lot of us out there who know exactly how you feel. We should have some sort of underground E.R.S. network of women who become little girls again inside when something painful happens, yet blossom into a powerful and strong woman in order to never give the kicker the right to know that for just an instant - when they were caught off-guard - they were not an emotional rock star.

Grace in being an Emotional Rock Star is absolutely what the best women on earth can try to be. I know I try every day - and especially every time I see that boot closing in.

If a rock star can be called a golden god, I think I can feel pretty content with being known as a "golden goddess"!

Grace From My Father

So about a week ago (before Emmy and I got the worst stomach flu on earth), my father taught me a lesson about Grace.

I was doing some computations - I was trying to figure out how I could possibly save some more money with what seemed to be an endless stack of bills. I spoke with my father - very hesitant to call and ask for "daddy's help" because I am 37 years old. We discussed my auto loan and I told him I was paying far more interest on my wonderful car than I could be if he was willing to take a little time to help me refinance it. I told him that I would understand completely if he didn't feel comfortable being a part of a refinance with me. He asked some important questions and I think that they were completely valid. He wanted to make sure that this was the right thing for both of us.

With Dad's help, I was able to bring down my interest on the car from about 19% to 3.98% which saved me more than $170 per month. Dad didn't owe this to me. There was nothing he was required to do - especially when you consider the fact that this was not the first time that he has offered to help in my life. But he had grace and he gave it willingly to me...again.

Parents who love their children unconditionally and want what's best for them will never dismiss an opportunity to show them grace. I was so thankful - I emailed my father immediately after we ended our phone call with the new finance company. I said "I don't even have words to tell you how grateful I am Dad..." and he responded "you don't have to - your voice said it all when you heard your new interest rate".

Undeserved grace is the most wonderful feeling.

My dad always expressed his sadness that this song wasn't played at my wedding. I know I am almost 13 years late, Daddy...but you know what? Better late than never. In my mind, I am holding your hand in mine now...and you're smiling at me - you almost always have a smile on your face.

Thank you for still being an example of a wonderful person and a fabulous father - one who can still give grace to me so willingly, after all these years. I love you very much.

The Gambler can teach a lot about grace...

...I know, you're probably certain I am completely certifiable at this point. But really - I think the gambler can.

A few days ago, my boss and I were flipping youtube links at each other. I think somehow in the process, one of us caught Kenny Rogers in the middle. I don't know that either of us intended to bring him into our session, but somehow he appeared. I was reaquainted with the song "The Gambler" sung by Kenny Rogers and I started thinking about the words.

"You got to know when to hold 'em"
You have to know when to keep a hold of things in your life. Things that may be difficult for you to think about giving up. Things that mean a lot to you. Sometimes in life, those things most familiar and comforting to us become more of a liability than a blessing. THAT'S when..

"You got to know when to fold 'em"
As hard as it might be to think about, it might be time to cut your losses and just toss them away, they just aren't working for you right now. They might be great later - you can always get a chance again to bring them back into the game - but for now, fold 'em.

"You gotta know when to walk away, and know when to run"
There are times you wave and take your time saying goodbye to friends, places and things in your life and then there are times you're best served to put your reeboks on and RUN AWAY as fast as you can - not look behind you - just look in front of you - at the wide and incredible world ahead.

Whenever there's a big question involving a big change in your life, I think you can size up the situation by thinking like THE GAMBLER. Know when to keep things, know when to give them up. Know when to walk away slowly, know when to leave them behind as fast as you can.

Here's hoping we all remember how important TIMING is to a situation in our lives. Timing really IS everything. Especially when GRACE is concerned. If you know when to exit a situation gracefully, WOW, you've won half the battle! Now you just need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and decide if you should wear your sandles or your sneakers. :)

A Video Blog (VLOG) for today!

Okay, I got the technical issues ironed out - here's my first attempt at a VLOG.

Isn't it just the BEST picture of me? LOL - It saved that lame-open-mouthed shot. No "nice smile and wide eyed" screen shot for THIS girl. :)

I hope you like it.

Grace in the face of sorrow

I tried to save time by making this entry a VIDEO blog today - but something screwy happened with my microphone and all you can see is me in my robe talking away and you can't hear anything more than a word or two. *SIGH* I did it like that to save time. Yeah, let's see - it took an HOUR to figure out what the heck I was doing wrong. I think I might have figured out a solution - but that was at 8:20 am and my butt needed to be out the door at 8:30 am - so, it was NOT much of a time-saver. Especially since now I have nothing for the blog! LOL.

People who know me really well know that I am a big fan of Khalil Gibran. He wrote the book "The Prophet" which happens to be one of my most treasured possessions. Not only because of what it contains (the writings are so touching and so meaningful) but because it used to belong to my grandmother, Louise Kalwat Hyde. She was an incredible influence on my life. I have kept The Prophet close to me for years - and some of my recent emails with friends got me to thinking about one of the entries in The Prophet that talks about Joy and Sorrow.

Joy and Sorrow
Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.


I hope you all find this as comforting as I do. The deeper the sorrow, the more space that JOY has to fill up when it comes back to you. Gosh, that's such a hopeful thought, isn't it?

Today, I think I will focus on having the grace to remember that even when the sorrow is there, the joy is waiting right behind to come back and fill the void that sorrow creates.

Besides, sorrow can be a great opportunity to learn how to be a stronger, more capable person.

Grace in the face of hurt

When someone hurts me, I go through so many emotions. Why? What was their reason for hurting me? Did I hurt them first? Did I do something do deserve it? Did I forget something important? Ignore a need? Did I somehow humiliate or frustrate them until they felt they had no recourse but to lash out and retaliate in the form of hurt?

I guess you just have to know me to know how much I thoroughly despise hurting people. I go to great extents to avoid hurting anyone in the first place. When I find out I have hurt someone, I have a very hard time living with myself. I feel very guilty and extremely sad. I mean, I am usually the one working overtime trying to make every day a great experience for everyone in my life. Really.

So why do other people feel that they have the right to hurt me? And how can I react to it in a graceful way?

I know how to react in a graceful way when it's my fault. I apologize first. I tell someone how sorry I am for hurting them and I give specifics. I look them in the eyes and I try and put myself in their shoes - detailing how I hurt them. For example: "I am so sorry that I cast aside your needs for my own and left you hurting and wishing someone would pay attention to you." I feel like by doing that, I am gracefully and tenderly apologizing for my wrongdoing, the hurt I caused (inadvertently or on purpose) and letting them give additional input about their hurt - maybe something I didn't know. Then I follow it up with a "I hope you will forgive me...I will try hard not to let it happen again." I can't think of a more graceful way to apologize than a genuine apology. I always mean it when I apologize.

But it's that actions of those people who feel as though they have to hurt others to feel better about themselves that I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. I can't understand their logic. I always feel BETTER when I make someone feel good about themselves. I always feel like the world is brighter and happier and my heart soars when I know I have made someones day. I can't understand the logic behind people who hurt others intentionally and then walk away. Does that make me strange? Does that make me odd? Does that make me completely naive? Maybe. But you know, I would rather be naive and be the one handling a hurt the right way than someone who is so dead inside that they can't find it within themselves to apologize to others for their behavior. What kind of person feels better when they make someone else hurt?

I think the best way to handle hurt with grace would be forgiveness. Finding it inside yourself to accept that the reasons that they may have had for their behavior may never be anything you understand fully. Finding a place inside yourself to reconcile someone else's harmful behavior and turn it into a lesson in understanding and forgiveness. You can find comfort in the fact that you will never be "that person". You can even say to yourself "I'll see you when you get there" - when the person who hurts you reaches the level you are living on, you can meet them again but on equal terms. Until then, the only thing you can do is wait for them to get there and be satisfied in knowing that you are better for not stooping to their level.

This song has been one of my favorites for a long time...I hope you find it to bless you as much as it has blessed me. One of my favorite quotes from the song is:

"so gather up your pity and turn it to ambition and put your vehicle in drive and stop by my side"



Wishing everyone a day filled with grace...

I seem to find GRACE in the smallest things...

This morning I was glancing at my small little pyrex bowl of honey-nut cheerios with sliced fresh strawberries and I thought "even my cereal looks graceful today" - and it's a good thing too! Some days I feel like a drunk hippopotamus! Today would be one of those days - so if my cereal is more graceful than I am, I am seriously considering sending IT to work in dressy clothing and allowing IT to work 9 hours for me (I have been working through lunch a few times a week studying for my insurance license) and let IT listen to people complaining about their insurance rates increasing and me working for hours on solutions to save them money ONLY to have them decide to go with another insurance company OR tell me that the don't like the new coverages and could they PLEEEEASE just go back to the other coverages and not pay more.

Today I would like to share a couple of pillows that I find EXTREMELY graceful. :)

I am a big fan of Pottery Barn furniture and I don't own anything from their because they are kind of out of my price range. Although, I am not sure that's completely a true statement because I remember when Emmy (my daughter) and I went into a Pottery Barn Kids store when she was about 6 months old and I showed her a little stuffed duckie in there that rattled and her little tiny fists reached for it and she snatched it from my hands and prompty stuffed it into her mouth. Of course I had to PAY for it. So I do INDEED own ONE thing from Pottery Barn. A $12 stuffed drooly duckie. But not having enough money to buy myself something there doesn't stop me from drooling over their catalogs - hmmm, I am beginning to see a drooling trend. Like mother like daughter, I guess!

These are my latest graceful fascination:







AAaaaahhhh, I think I will sign off with these images last in my mind today. Maybe they will help me smile wider, work harder and look forward to this evening when I can relax and (hopefully) find time to write a little more. :)

Graceful new beginnings

Today is the perfect day for new beginnings. Thank you for joining me in the continuing saga of my life. :)

I decided to name the blog "Grace Matters Most" because I think no matter how you look at it, it's hard to argue against that point. Whether you're talking about the Grace of God or the elegant grace that a person uses when they carry themselves in any situation - grace matters most.

Sometimes I wish I lived life with just a LITTLE more grace. There are plenty of times I have wished I could go back and rewind something I have done that was pretty lame or something that I should have handled completely differently. I have had a lot of those moments in my life - and I intend to share them as they happen going forward! So, the subject of this blog IS grace - and the pursuit of grace. Grace in my definition of the word could be as varied as some sort of spiffy new Martha Stewartish decorating ideas to better ways of handling certain people/personalities in life to how to react to someone being too pushy or even how to be grateful and graceful in daily life occurrences. So a smattering of different graceful things will be discussed and examined in this blog. :)

Grace is underrated. You don't have to talk like a princess to have grace. You don't have to be a size two to be graceful. You don't have to have dainty little hands and not a hair out of place to be graceful. All you need is a desire to emit grace from the inside out. To be the personification of "elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action." Handling myself with grace is the biggest goal I have right now in my life. A few weeks ago I was walking through a cemetery when I came across this memorial. It was so moving and JUST what I needed to see.



This is a definition of grace. Admitting that you are not perfect - that you will make mistakes but that you also have the willingness to learn from every mistake you make. And sometimes grace is no more than just knowing when to act like a fool and when to rise above the people in your life that can bring you down.