I guess life got busy since the last time I posted here. Really busy. So busy that I can hardly think straight - and I certainly have no time for sickness or appliances giving up the ghost or *shudder* extra work...but somehow those things come regardless and I just have to "nut up, buttercup" as my co-worker Adam says whenever I complain about something trivial.
A few months ago, I stood in my church in Eagle, Idaho as my pastor prayed we would find a good home in Washington and sent us with prayers of peace and hope. When I first arrived in our new hometown, I felt a peace surround me. We were "home" - although home in the sense that I had never known before - this time, it was ME that got transferred. Me that caused the upheaval and uproar. It's been a strange feeling knowing that my short little 7 months on the job with Allstate as a Claims Adjuster could have prompted them to decide to pay our relocation costs to move to the regional offices in the Seattle area. It was just hard for me to fathom - and still is - that I won't awake in the middle of the night back home in Boise and look out the window and see the foothills I fell in love with bathed in moonlight. I still get lost every time I drive anywhere here - it's a rule of three, I generally take at LEAST three wrong turns each time I try and find my way somewhere.
But as time has elapsed since that fateful Friday, August 5th, 2011 - I have found myself realizing that those words I half-whisper, half-speak on Sundays when I actually make it to church..."thy will be done"...have such sweeping consequences. I told my dear friend Beth that I felt things were moving so quickly, I suddenly understood the feeling of being in the middle of God's work in my life. How else does one explain the immediate nature of the move, the "everything sliding into place"...including the perfect home for us being unlisted and suddenly in front of us as we turned a corner we didn't expect to take...and it being within a block of the best school district and a place so reminscint of the comforting home we were leaving behind? Not to mention the fact that the FIRST and ONLY people who looked at the house in Boise passed the background check and we were let go from our lease without a SINGLE EXTRA DAY needing to be charged to us? There's always the excuse that coincidence was involved...but I prefer not to believe in coincidences.
Since those early days, I have continued to ask myself - why. Why did this happen? Why am I here? Why did everyone else go to Portland? Why did I end up in Seattle and how on earth am I to even know how long this is for? When did I become a grown up professional? Why did we have to leave a comfort zone for the Northwest unknown? But now I know. I know as well as I know my name...as I know exactly where my husband needs his legs rubbed when he doesn't eat enough potatoes...as well as I know the outline of my little angel's face where I've given her butterfly kisses since birth. I know I am on the right path...and I never saw it coming until it was laid out in front of me.
"Life is an interesting journey...you never know where it will take you. Peaks and valleys, twists and turns. You can get the surprise of your life..."
T.I., "Live Your Life"
I never questioned whether or not I was blessed - lucky - whatever - when all of this happened. I just knew I was. I had a JOB. A well-paying job. And they were prepared to front a bunch of cash to get me where they wanted me. I just didn't understand why it happened - and maybe I still don't. But you know what? I know now - IT WAS THE RIGHT THING. It's hard to explain what switch was flipped. What led to this moment when I realized this was the right future for me?
Maybe it's been several things.
I noticed women in Washington are a different kind of strong. The kind of strong that I haven't seen anywhere else. I put any woman I have met from this state up against any man on earth. Here, I see power and strength of character in every face of every woman. There's a different reaction to those little annoying things - they're tough, mean and play dirty. They also hurt deeply but don't show it. They commit themselves fully, question no one, work impossibly hard and when the wind and rain come down upon their heads, they steady themselves and move forward. They are smart too, and they're not afraid or ashamed to show it. Overall, they work hard and have outside interests and they inspire ME to be stronger too. Which is something I can use...but to be honest, life's dealt me enough that I'm already pretty damn strong already. Maybe that's why I have come to respect them so much.
"Your Grace is wasted in your face, your boldness stands alone among the wreck"
Mumford & Sons - "Little Lion Man"
It could be that I look around and see the beauty of this place and realize what a gift it is to be able to wake up each day and live in the midst of the evergreens, the mist that rises in the morning after the rain stops, the rolling hills, the water, the mountains, the boats, the way of living and I find myself realizing that I feel like I've come to a place where my soul doesn't necessarily feel settled - but I still feel like I am content - and I am ready to explore and experience - but I'm not in any hurry because I feel like I am going to be here a long, long time. I can't wait to travel through the little islands near our home thought, and head north to Vancouver and become weathered in the way that the locals have...no umbrella - just a hoodie and a hot cup of coffee for me, thanks.
But it's a different type of self-actualization and self-assurance that comes from watching dreams come to fruition, then die, then become reborn in new and unique ways you couldn't have imagined. You find that those things you looked for "once upon a time" are no longer...and in order to keep up with the wooshing of the trees and leaves swirling around you as you stand perfectly still and see your life changing around you, you have to make new dreams happen. You have to create new ideals and design new goals for yourself and become a different version of you. Stephanie 3.0 is suddenly thrust into your face when you look bleary-eyed into the mirror in the morning.
For me, I have to give a measure of thanks to the One that brought me thus far. Not to get preachy or anything, but the sole reason I am here is through a series of fortunate events that include my husband Jeff (to whom I will forever be indebted for causing me to see a doctor soon enough to save my leg when the cancer diganosis came in 1997), my beautiful and brilliant daughter Emily (who truly is the sunshine of my life) and the plethora of supportive friends, family and even strangers that have crossed my path. I feel like today more than any other day, I know God is working in my life - moving all the while. Creating a path for me that I still can't fully see or know. He's there and He's slowly making it clear to me that no matter what I think, I am here for a reason - and it's His reason. And therefore, I have no doubt that my future is bright. And how BLESSED am I that He chose to reveal this to me in such an obvious way?
Sure, I work hard for the positive things that have happened with my job since we came to Washington. I rarely come home on time. I spend hours at home working through things in my head. I explore new ideas and research projects, offer assistance to co-workers when I am drained and barely hanging by a thread. There are days where I feel like a failure - where no matter what anyone said, I felt like I was the biggest idiot in the room because I forgot to do something right the first time - or actually screwed up and did something wrong causing a whole chain of messiness. But today, for some reason, it's clear...I'm on the right path.
How much grace does it take to sit quietly at your desk during a break from the work Christmas party and weep uncontrollably when the realization hits you that you have no friends to ask over for Christmas and your co-workers you miss so much have created new lives and are setting down new roots in their new homes. All you wish for in that instant is to be with someone who knows you. Someone who loves you. Someone who will hug you - physically touch you and carry your heart for that short moment when you needed someone else to do it, because it was just too heavy for you to lift on your own. And then you realize you have to lift your heart yourself - because there just isn't anyone there to do it for you. You have to wipe off your own sad face, swallow that indescribable hurt that comes from feeling alone. You have to go back to the party and smile as if nothing on earth could be more important than the time you're spending with people you hardly know. I barely found the grace to do it. But I did it. And in it, I found new strength.
I have been growing stronger each day. Gaining my own ground, finding my own wings. I realize that the person I am here and now is someone I have carefully shaped and molded through years of practice and experience in managing myself and others around me upwards. And I have learned that it's altogether possible that I am capable of anything. Especially when I walk the right path, keep my eye on the prize and never take anything anyone does for me for granted. Every moment, every experience, every step I have taken has led me to this point in my life. I feel so excited for my future...so excited for the rest of my life.
I am being guided in an ethereal way and I am dancing in my mind, in my heart and in my chair. I am embracing Stephanie 3.0 - and I hope my new world continues to do that too.
Hallelujah, You were moving all the while...
